Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
