Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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