I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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