we're chasing vodka with high fives
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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