Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
