i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
