you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
