Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
