I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
