There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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