Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
