Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
