She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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