His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
