Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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