one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
