Fine. I'll sleep in my office
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
