i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
