So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
how does that bad decision feel?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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