Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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