I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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