whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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