Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
