I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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