this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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