god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
