sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
