The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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