Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
