im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
