I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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