It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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