Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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