life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
