My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
