I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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