my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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