I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
