I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
