Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
