I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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