Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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