It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
only if we run a train.
done.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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