MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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