I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
