she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
