I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
