Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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