the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
