hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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