Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
