Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
