Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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