I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
