my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
