I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
