I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
