so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize