wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize