My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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