sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
