i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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