You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
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