life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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