In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
