so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Randomize
