Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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