I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
