Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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