I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
