part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
