All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
