Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
