when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
