Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
