Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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